-- what is love ? -- Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught withinyour chest?? -it isn`t love, it`s like. You can`t keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right?? -it isn`t love, it`s lust. Are you proud, and eager to show them off? - it isn`t love, it`s pride. Do you want them because you know they`re there?? -it isn`t love, it`s loneliness. Are you there because it`s what everyone wants?? -it isn`t love, it`s loyalty. Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand?? -it isn`t love, it`s low confidence. Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don`t want to hurtthem?? -it isn`t love, it`s pity. Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?? -it isn`t love, it`s infatuation. Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?? -it isn`t love, it`s friendship. Do you tell them every day that they are the only one you think of?? -it isn`t love, it`s a lie. Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?? -it isn`t love, it`s charity. Does your heart ache and break when they`re sad?? -then it`s l o v e. Do you cry for their pain, even when they`re strong?? -then it`s l o v e. Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?? -then it`s l o v e. Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain andrelation pulls you close and holds you there?? -then it`s l o v e. Do you accept their faults because they`re a part of who they are?? -then it`s l o v e. Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret?? -then it`s l o v e. Would you give them your heart, your life, your death??

Today was GPML!!! I loved it so much. I sucked but I wasn't really actually trying so it doesn't matter too much. What does matter is that I got to sit by Kevin on the bus ride home today. :D He makes me really happy and I can't quite understand why. He's so sweet. Yeah, he's a dork but that's one of the things I love the most about him: he doesn't let that bother him. He taught us (Me Sarah and Alick) how to play Hearts. I still don't really understand it yet but maybe that will be a reason to get to hang out with him more. I wish there was some way to show him how much I like him without showing it. Like some way to show him how much I like him that will make him like me back in the same way. I don't really want him to know how much I like him if I'm going to end up hurt. I kind of gave up on Lucas. We're just friends now and I like it better this way. Now, unfortunately, I'm focused on one guy and starting to be crazy about him. Well, maybe not starting... The bus was freezing cold as was the rest of the compatition. I kind of wished that Kevin would've put his arm around me or something. Like if he could've kept me warm, that would've been amazing. I noticed his hands today. I know that sounds kind of weird and there's no way to explain it to make it not sound weird but I really liked them. They looked really big and strong and I kind of drifted off into La La Land a couple of times dreaming about what it would feel like to have those hands holding me. Holding my hand or holding my body. Anyway, I know that was weird, it just had to be said. What do guys do when they want to hold your hand but are too nervous to? I thought it was that they put their hand either next to them or on their leg so you could grab it. I have no clue but I wasn't sure if Kevin wanted to hold my hand today or not. I kind of really wanted to hold his but I wasn't sure if I should've. I figured it would've been pretty embarrassing if he pulled his hand away and told me that he wasn't interested right there in the middle of the bus. I'd rather he just told me that in private. I figured that maybe I should probably get over him pretty soon because in a few days he will probably decide that he doesn't want to be around me anymore and that he isn't interested in me at all (because that's what normally happens). I just can't. You know when you sort of know someone but maybe not well enough to know everything about them and so you dream about them and make them the most amazing person ever? Well that's pretty much what I've done to Kevin. Everytime I dream about him, he is this absolutely amazing and romantic guy so if he ever does decide he wants to be with me, he's got a lot to live up to. :P Guys are really difficult. Honestly, if anyone ever asked me out I would almost always give them a chance unless I have something against them. I know what it feels like to be rejected and I would never want anyone else to feel that way so I believe in giving people chances. Am I the only person who believes that? I was quite loopy today. I seem to get that way a lot. It's actually quite enjoyable. So I am crazy about a guy who I probably have no chance with and who isn't into me. Yay. I hope he's still willing to be friends with me though even while I try to get over him. For now though, I don't want to get over him. I want to live and sleep and dream on this happy little high he has given me. I want to dream about this amazing guy every night and never let the idea of he and I together go. I won't let it show in public, the way I feel about him, but I will dream about him for as long as I can get away with it. I kind of need it right now. The idea of a guy. It's nice to have and perfect to dream about. I just wish someday someone would feel the same way towards me. That someone might go to sleep some night and dream about being with me forever. Maybe someday, right?

Ignore some of the other stuff from earlier. We were just kinda messing around in class because we have nothing better to do. At least I'm getting along better with Tony now though. He used to call me a bitch everyday and get really pissed at me but we're good friends now. I only recently realized how absolutely horrible we were for each other. But he's kinda a good friend now. Or almost one.

So I was in the most amazing mood today. I can't take credit for it though. It is pretty much Kevin's fault. Well, I don't know if I should say fault... Then again, I am never that exstactically happy. He is such a sweetie. I texted him this morning and asked him to sit by me at lunch. I wasn't kidding but I didn't think he'd actually want to though. He didn't text me back so I figured that he either hadn't checked his messages or he didn't want to. At lunch I was hanging with my friends and then I turned around and realized that he was sitting behind me. I wanted to go sit by him but I was way too nervous to so I just stayed where I was. I wish I had gone and sat by him though. Why can't guys just be clear about how they feel? I mean, why can't they just walk up to you and tell you either "Yes, I like you and I want to be with you" or "No, I don't like you and you have absolutely no chance with me"? Why must they always be so complicated. I don't believe in making all this relationship junk complicated. If I like a guy, I tell him. I would much appriciate if he did the same. Like when I tell him I like him, I wish that he would be like that's nice but you don't have a chance with me because I don't like you. It would make things so much simpler. Anyway. So we have GPML practice tomorrow at 12:45. It's going to be so much fun. I can't wait to hang out with everybody. ;) So soccer practice yesterday was so hard. Coach was really pissed off so it was killer. Although it was pretty fun discussing suicide. We found out that my house is hang proof. It's stupid. Vikki wants to punch our coach. We are all pretty pissed at him. He says we aren't working hard enough in practice. So yeah, I was really hyper happy today. I like guys. :P They're so pretty. Oh and apparently I'm stalking my ex-boyfriend and am following him to church. (Not really though people so don't actually believe me. We're just messing around in 8th hour and I'm writing down the stuff we talk about) So guys, be more clear about your feelings. Seriously. Please. Oh, and Kevin, :) Elmo loves his goldfish; his crayons too. That's Elmo's world!

No school today!!! Well, no school at Central. I'm still stuck going to school at North Polk though. It kinda sucks. Especially because my first class there starts at 1:48 and Cole wants to leave at 12. What the heck am I supposed to do for 2 hours? I'll probably just sit here and blog. So I just recently realized that I have comments on here. Yay. There's one that I'm especially thrilled about. It's good to finally understand that the plural of smoosh is smeesh. Kevin, I bet you are really good at writing. And even if you aren't, you're good at everything else so it won't matter too much. I can't wait for state GPML this Saturday! It's going to be so much fun. :D

I've been pretty lonely lately. Zoe and Greta are in the middle of some stupid fight and friends I've just recently gained have been drifting away. It's not a great time in my life right now. I'm not getting any skinnier either. I'm working really hard at it and I thought soccer would help but it doesn't work as well as XC. I can't wait until the summer. I'm going to set my goal right now. I hope to be able to run for 1 hour every day this summer. And work out (lift and exercise). Multimedia is really boring right now. We are still working on our movie but don't have anything to do in class so I'm just randomly blogging.

Ugh I am so tired today. Game tonight!!! I was carrying around a bag of Raisin Bran all day today. :) It was fun and tasted really good. I love Raisin Bran. Apparently I am the only one who does though. Everyone is like ew what the heck is that. So I think I've for sure failed the World Civ test but I didn't do too bad in Physics. I have all A's except for in English which really ticks me off. He says he doesn't believe in giving A's. I absolutely hate him. I'm going to be trying really hard to impress him by the end of the year so I can get my grade up. I'm reading The Cantebury Tales and The Road currently. They are pretty good. I actually really like The Cantebury Tales. Chaucer is a really good author.

In my flog I just started school so I'm curious about what is going to happen. Remember the Physics Day? Do you remember the chalk talks? Well, I kinda used something from one of them and put it in my flog. If you haven't read it, you totally should. I really enjoy writing it and I hope you guys enjoy reading it. I am quite curious though... What is the plural of a smoosh? :P So what have I been up to lately...? Well, I have a free period this hour (6th) so I hang out in the library working on my blogs. I got most of my homework done for my Physics and World Civ test tomorrow and I'll finish the rest of it up tonight. Tomorrow we have a soccer game here at home (North Polk) if anyone wants to come. The varsity game starts at 6 and the JV game will just be right after it. I play JV unfortunately... I kind of suck. I'm a defender. I normally play left defense but I'll honestly play wherever the coach puts me. I'm working really hard to get better and to get in shape for summer but I am a REALLY bad runner. If you've ever been to one of my XC meets, you understand what I mean. I am really slow. And it's not like I don't try. Really, I do. I try really really hard. Honestly, I probably try the most out of anybody on our XC or JV soccer team. Come if you can please! :)

Today is really tiring. I've been too lazy to get out of my pajamas all day and I just now switched to sweatpants because my legs were getting cold. I have so much homework left to do but I've been on the computer all day. Why is it that I am the only one with no life? I seem to be one of the few people on Facebook in the middle of the day. So I've got the entire section of Physics left to do, not to mention the Chapter Review. Unfortunately, I'll work my butt off and get it done. I really don't want to. I want to just curl up and watch One Tree Hill all day. That would be much more fun. That's one reason I'm looking forward to summer. Another is that it will get me away from all this high school drama. I'll have time to clear my head and work on things that are more important. I better go do my homework :(

Last night I had the weirdest dream. It was even weirder than Zoe's. So we were at Central. We meaning Lucas, Kevin, Jake, Cole, Dan, Kyle, Bama, Min, me and a couple other people. I don't know why. This is a dream. Some things are just not important enough to know. We were all in one room when all of a sudden a voice comes over the intercom. It told us that we had five minutes after he was done telling us what to do to figure this out: After 5 minutes there would be a toxic gas that would fill the entire building of Central. We had to decide who would live. They would supply us with one scuba tank. We had only that scuba tank to live by. The gas would continue to flow through the building for one hour. Who should survive this? Go. Being the Nazi that I am, I immedietly took over and started my watch. We had five minutes to discuss our untimely deaths. Pleasent isn't it? I was immedietly ruled out. We tried to decide who would be the most important and beneficial to society. We narrowed it down to Cole, Kevin, Jake, and Lucas. I explained that tanks last about an hour for one person and that we couldn't have many on it if we wanted even one person to survive. They were all like "This is just some joke. It's like a brain problem. It doesn't matter if we solve it well." At that moment we heard a hiss and the gas started flowing. I looked down at my watch and sure enough, it had been five minutes. The people who wouldn't get the tank ran to the white board and scribbled down their last message to the world as fast as they could. All of us had tears streaming down our face. We knew many of us wouldn't get out of there alive. I ran to Kevin and threw my arms around him, pulling him close to me. I pressed my lips to his and kissed him so deeply. I knew I wouldn't ever get another chance and he needed to know the way I felt about him. Surprisingly, he kissed me back. I could feel the love and I couldn't stop the tears from cascading down my cheeks. I loved this man and I couldn't let him go. He pulled away and turned to my brother. He told him to live. He gave him the tank and said he could have his air. I grabbed his shirt and cried to him not to. He told me, "It's ok, love. We're going to be together forever." He told my brother, " I love her. Trust me, I'll take care of her on the other side." Jake gave his air to Lucas as well. I have no idea why, that's just how it ended up. I begged Kevin to let me die in his arms. He agreed and I tucked his head into my chest so he was breathing through the inside of my shirt. I buried my face in his hair and inhaled deeply. He smelled amazing. This was definately the way to die. Wrapped in the arms of the man you love. After 15 minutes (don't ask how I knew how long it had been, again, it's a dream) the gas suddenly shut off. I pulled my face out of Kevin's hair and looked around. Kevin was barely breathing so I began to bring him outside when my brother stopped me. Apparently Jake was dying and it was my last chance to say goodbye. I was torn. I begged my brother to take Kevin outside and save him. I told Kevin how badly I needed him and how much I loved him and that I would be out in a moment. I ran over to Jake and it turned out that I could suck the gas out of his lungs. Lucas helped carry him out while I attempted to save anyone else I could. Min was ok, Bama saved her, but in doing so, he died. She never forgave me for it. She was so mad at me. Later on she beat me for it. NOTE: *The personalities of the people in my dreams are not how I actually view them in real life. I can't really control what happens in my dreams.* I never forgave myself for that day. If they hadn't listened to my idea, a lot more people would have been saved. Kevin kept telling me it wasn't my fault and calming me down and stuff but it was like everyone was staring at me in school. I believed that everyone was blaming me for what happened. Kevin and I ended up together forever... The End

Tired of learning about me yet? I hope not. In RadAcc today, Sarah Tricia and I were like completely crazy. They made this cute little get well soon card with a red panda on it. It's adorable. Tricia taught me how to make paper cranes. I'm almost an honorary Asian! :) So yeah. I kinda don't really want people reading this because sometimes it reveals things about me that I don't want people to know and they probably shouldn't know, yet at the same time I'm rather flattered by the people that care enough to come back and check this everyday. What a kunundrum... So anyway... Tomorrow was supposed to be the day we went to South Dakota for a math trip but it was cancelled this year because all the teachers are going somewhere. It was also supposed to be the Chill Out tournament that my dad, Cole, and I were going to ref but we decided not to because Cole doesn't want to and I'm too sick. Zoe's birthday is next week Tuesday. I keep forgetting when it is. I brought her a teddy bear to school today :P She has a party tomorrow but I don't know if my parents will let me go. I hope they do. She's like one of my best friends. I love how she totally trumps the hypocritic barrier between smart girls and cheerleaders. She is awesome. My flog is going well. I'm enjoying it and coming up with new ideas as I go along. I think it will turn out pretty cool once I get the whole story going. In Multimedia II class, we're making a movie. It really sucks and is really cheesy but it's fun. I'm partners with Vikki and Olivia. It seems like Vikki and I have spent alot of time together recently what with Cross Country, Soccer, and Multimedia. And I barely ever go to North Polk! So I kinda think I'm going to give up on guys for a while. They are nothing but drama and problems and I need to focus on school. A total of three people noticed the fact that I'm taking full advantage of Lent being over. Zoe, Antonio, and Keasey. I was really mad at Keasey today. He kicked me really hard right before practice so I pretty much tried to kill him during soccer. After a while though we were being friends again. I'm still pretty mad at him though. He kept throwing that stupid ball at my head. Is it so wrong that I don't like doing headers??? It doesn't take strength to hold a grudge; it takes strength to let go of one. I had medicine twice today that made me really sleepy and if you know me well or have been with me past 8 pm you know that I get really loopy when I'm tired. I hissed at Claussen and told him I had fangs in my car. He was like WTF and then I told him I didn't have a car. I was really loopy and skippy and tired. Life is too short to waste on simple, too long to dwell on the past. Life is like a play, it's not the length but the excelence of the acting that matters.

I must apologize to anyone that my blogs may offend. I have mood swings. I'm a girl, that's what I do. I hope you don't mind that. If you don't want to know what I think of you or my life then don't read this, ok? I'm sorry if you're offended and I'm sorry if I hurt you but this is the way I am. I must also say that this is not always the way I am. This is just the way I am on a computer when I have nothing better to do except tell you about my life. My opinion and mood will vary quite quickly so just because I say I'm mad about one thing or I start ranting about something does not mean that I am completely focused on it. Normally I get over it once I put it down in writing and post it and realize that I probably shouldn't have. So... yeah. Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

Our soccer game sucked. We lost 1-4 and they were huge. There were barely any of them but it was really hard. They played really rough. I sucked it up today. This may have been the worst game I have ever played in my entire life. Now Keasey says he's gonna throw a ball at my head every practice until I stop ducking. I'm kinda really mad at myself so I'm going to run my guts out and practice really hard tomorrow. I'll probably be trying to kill myself with strenuous exercise for the next week because of this. It's what I always do when I'm not happy with myself or something that happened. I take it out on my body. That's why I do what I do. Whether it's justifyable or not is my decision, not everone elses'. I want everyone to stay the hell out of my life. I hate this fricking world and everyone in it. Just because I say one thing about you does not mean that that is always how I feel.

If I say that I like you and that I wish that you would ask me out, it does not mean that I'm madly in love with you and that I need you. It merely means that if you ask me then I would say yes. You're not that frickin important to me. No one is. I don't care about any of you. And to save you the trouble of having to deal with me, I should just go die.

I hurt myself so I can feel alive.

We have a soccer game tonight. I'm really nervous. I don't want to go and no one else does either. I am really sick today (allergies) so it will probably suck pretty bad. We are playing WC Valley. They are aparently pretty bad so I hope we do well. I hope I can get a ride home after the JV game. I really don't want to be there for the varsity game. I'm way too tired and I don't feel well. I think Kevin might be avoiding me. I don't really know yet but I hope he's not. He's such a sweetie. I've got my flog up and running now. It's so much fun to write it. The url is www.lostinmindandbody.blogspot.com

This is my first post so I don't really have much to say. I don't even know if I'm going to make this private or public. So... yeah. I'm Alisha and this is my life. Right now is kinda fun since it's nearing the end of the year. I'm going to miss school though. And guys. Of course. Maybe I should explain that. Though, if you're me, I shouldn't need to. I'm absolutely boy crazy. I don't think I've gone a month without liking a guy. But the thing is, they normally come in groups. Like right now there are so many amazing guys that just suddenly appeared! I'm kinda focussed on three though. I can't really give you their names though because that might give them away... I've got it!!! I'll give them fake names! We'll call them Jake, Kevin, and Lucas. Ok? Ok. So here's how the listings go: 1) Lucas 2) Kevin 3) Jake Except here's the problem: 1) Lucas- I asked him out (bad move)=> He's not interested in a relationship. He's way too confused about life. But's he's pretty hot, really nice, can dance (sorta) and so innocent. stats= had one girlfriend and things weren't so great, junior 2) Kevin- Kinda a dork but he's so sweet. And super cute. He's innocent (I think) and brilliant. I've kinda decided to stop asking guys out so I'm not gonna ask him out. I'm hoping he asks me instead. A girl can hope. stats= never had a girlfriend, junior 3) Jake- This one's a tough one- I asked him out (another bad move) like a year ago=> He can't date until he's 16/18 but he's really nice and smart and cute and innocent... Yeah. stats= never had a girlfriend as far as I know, sophomore So yeah, as you can see, I'm boy crazy. But that doesn't really matter, does it? Is that really a problem? I hope not. So State GPML is coming up next weekend. I'm so excited!!! I can't wait but I'm kinda scared that I'll do really badly. It's my last math compatition for this year so I hope I do well. The Central Dance was last weekend. It was so much fun! I must say, a lot of guys looked really hot there... But I had a ball! I loved my dress, it was so pretty. Well, I liked it. Shelby came too and we were like "jazz hands" randomly. It was so much fun. They played "I'm on a Boat" too! I can't believe they did though because it has so much cussing in it. Shelby and I were dancing to it. It was so much fun!!! I was kinda abandoned by my friends alot. :'( I have friends in a lot of different social circles so I wanted to at least go say hi to them. I didn't even get around to everyone. I ended up standing there by myself for like 10 minutes wondering what the heck I should do until Zach and Logan came up and told me to join their group. Thanks so much to you two. I luv you both. It was so cute when Kerrick and Joel ended up wearing the same shirt. :P I must say, I loved the shirt though. Logan's costume was awesome. I've never seen Star Trek so I probably don't have the ability to say that but oh well. Dan dressed up like Burger King. :) Apparently Antonio broke his crown though :( All my friends kept trying to tell me that we liked each other but WE DON'T. It's like you can't just be friends with a guy. No, if you hang out with one, you must like him. Same thing happened when Zach hugged me for a minute too long. It was pretty awkward but then all my friends were like, "You like him." So I have this like bestest best buddy. Except I've never actually talked to him in real life, but we always have these conversations on facebook that are kinda profound and really fun. He helps me out with all my problems and I love him for that. And I wish we could go to Mexico. ;) My life is pretty complicated. I used to be really overly depressed all the time and cut myself and stuff but now I have great friends and my future is most definately looking up. I can't wait for a brand new day, I just need to remember that I have friends that love me and a great life. Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change. Kiss slowly, play hard, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything and have no regrets. Life's too short to be anything…but happy