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Man there is so much crap here at the end of the year. We just had our last day of chemistry though so that's awesome. Calculus we have a big multimedia project due on Friday which is the same day as my APUSH field trip. In APUSH i don't even know what we're doing. English we have an essay to write on some random book. Marine bio I need to get my grade up because I've been slacking. I have the APES exam this Wednesday and then have to come up with some presentation. We aren't doing anything in AMPS anymore now that regionals is over. Oh, Eric got accepted to MOP! :)

Why?

So I know Oscar will never see this even though I wish he cared enough to even want to, but I don't think he knows why I asked him to prom. I asked him because I wanted a night where I could feel like the girls like his girlfriend. I wanted a night where I felt pretty and wanted and felt like I could get any man I wanted and did so. That was foolish of me. I didn't feel pretty, he never said a word about the way I looked. I didn't feel wanted, he barely paid attention to me, his eyes were too glued to his phone screen. I didn't feel like I could get any man I wanted because even though I was trying everything I possibly could to please him all the way down to back rubs and neck massages, he still wanted nothing to do with me. Heck, I couldn't even turn the head of the guy who was madly in love with me since freshman year! I didn't get the man I wanted, I felt alone and abandoned. It was miserable but I tried with everything I had to make it fun because ive been convincing myself ever since he said yes that I can't kill myself now, I have prom to look forward to and I wanted prom to be worth saving my life for. Let's just say these cuts weren't here before prom.

After prom

So prom was last night... It was, well, disappointing. It was so obvious that my date was not into the dance or me but that was to be expected because he's gorgeous so I guess he can get away with it. He has a gf of a year and a half but he doesn't know if he loves her. Weird. He goes off for army training in the fall and then some sort of mission thingy in the spring but will be back at isu in the fall of 2012 when I start. He made sure I knew not to try anything because he had a gf but I would never have the guts to. But man, trust me, I wanted to. I have been like so sex deprived lately that I wouldve been more than happy to make out with him. But please, he barely ever touched me. :( It was weird having Tony my ex follow us around during after prom though. The go karts were awesome and it was kinda fun mini golfing. I loved the twister/ tornado thing where you got in and it shook you around. We rode it and went through a mine! The hypnotist was hilarious. I am very disappointed in myself for being so lame during prom though. We didn't dance much and he got pissed at me for leaving him behind, but honestly he has no right because he was on his phone 24/7 texting his gf. We had those cool new weird drink things and that was fun. We went to Jimmy johns for dinner which pretty much set the mood for the night.

"I had a dream last night we / drove out to see Las Vegas" jk. I actually had a dream where Brady, Matt, and Adrian beat me up and then smashed my head so I wouldn't remember it so I ended up a vegetable but I still had my brain inside me but no one knew it. It was not good.

Gemini and Aquarius

This pairing brings together free thinkers that need a lot of space in relationships. A whirl of stimulating activities gets the ball rolling, since these two are curiosity seekers. Nothing is taboo for Aquarius, and Gemini is flexible enough to try new things. This leads to lots of experimentation, on dates and in the bedroom. Aquarius is drawn to the unconventional, and accepts the restless and inconstant Gemini nature. And Gemini is charmed by the wholly original ideas spilling forth from Aquarius. Both like to go their own way a lot, so neither will take it personally. They understand the need for intellectual independence, and will have lots of separate friends. The Aquarius-Gemini relationship has longterm potential, since there's always more to learn and talk about. As a sign known to calm the mentally unstable, Aquarius can be soothing to the Gemini nerves. Gemini may not understand when Aquarius gets stuck on one idea to the point of obsession, but will respect the mental focus. Aquarius shows by example how Gemini can harness all its brain power. There's not a lot of heavy emotionality here, which makes it possible for them to be friends as exes. Each knows their main engagement is the world of ideas, and this makes them philosophical about endings. A good match with infinite room for growth. Adaptable Gemini and innovative Aquarius get along quite well. They share a taste for originality, travel, and meeting new people. They are both unpredictable which means things do not always go smoothly. But love keeps getting better, for Aquarius adores Gemini's wit and good cheer. If Gemini is somewhat inconstant or unstable, Aquarius understands. If the affair should end, they'll still remain friends. In marriage, these two are affectionate, devoted companions more than passionate lovers. Gemini and Aquarius expect almost the same out of life. They also have similar outlooks in life and this contributes greatly to their relationship compatibility. Even on the intellectual level, both of them share an excellent rapport. They love each other's witty nature and will remain engaged in deep conversations. Most of the times, a Gemini and an Aquarian will share viewpoints, interests, social activities and even friends. Though there may be a few differences every now and then, none of them will be too great to adversely affect their compatibility. The lonely or detached spells of the Water Bearer will never affect a Gemini. Infact, during those times, he will be too busy enjoying his own freedom. He will also adore the originality and inventiveness of the former. An Aquarian, on the other hand, will love Gemini's unpredictability and independence. Nevertheless, the Water Bearer will have to learn the tricks of romance, so that the brimming passion of a Gemini doesn't starts diminishing. Except for a few hiccups, this zodiac match is one of the strongest ones. Gemini and Aquarius, Air and Air? YES, this is definitely the relation that is worth keeping: Aquarius offers you anything you want - and even more! Here is, at last, someone who can live up to your bright intellect! Aquarius is a fixed sign so (s)he will bring some stability to your sometimes chaotic life. Your high sensitiveness will make you fall in love with Aquarius' unlimited fantasy. If I were to characterize the Gemini-Aquarius relation in two words, they would be "passion" and "carelessness". You both live in the present, have lots of ideas and like talking about everything. Aquarius is very inventive, very attached sentimentally to someone that gained his/her esteem, and Gemini - with his/her intellectual and spiritual charm and his/her eternal youth - will be the perfect choice for an Aquarius. Moreover, Aquarius is also very popular so you won't visit friends, go out or go shopping by yourself anymore: you have finally met someone who enjoys being around people, where the action is, as much as you do. You were probably fascinated by Aquarius' rebellious and unconventional style, by the courage with which Aquarius tells things as they are, the way (s)he handles a conversation even if there are 20 other people in the room. This is a beautiful union. (even if I do say so myself) These two simply “click” from the outset and stay that way more or less until the bitter end. When that end will be is hard to say. It could be a few months, it could be several thousand years! To be honest it all depends on how long they WANT to stay together. They actually have the option. When these two signs get together nothing can stand in their way. They make an amazing team and as well as being the best of friends, can also work together beautifully. The Gemini has the great ability of being able to change frequently, and in every sense of the word. This will go down well with the Aquarius, who, although can be unpredictable mood wise, is a fixed sign and has trouble accepting that their way’s need changing. Luckily, the Gemini will just ‘get on with it’. If a problem arises that may need compromise the Gemini happily compromises. Aquarian’s although air signs themselves, seem to have a high level of patience, and this is required at times when being with a Gemini. I believe it is these two attributes, patience and compromise, that helps stick these two together like glue. These two are so in tune with one another it is scary. Even if they are apart they can sense one another. Watching this couple will be amusing also. They tend to take time out of the real world and enter into one of their own making, which no-one else can understand or take part in. The closeness of this union is unbreakable and second to none. Boredom will NEVER set in. It is simply impossible for these two people to be bored in each other’s company. They will always find something to do or talk about or make up, this is one of life’s “happy couples”. I have to say from personal experience that this couple will be so active that housework and daily chores may suffer. The Aquarius and Gemini are not conservative people in anyway, and due to their highly creative abilities their’s will be a more ‘bohemian’ lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong. If and when this loving couple argue, and oh my when they argue, they argue, it is almost as if all their love has reversed and turned into hate. It’s horrible. And mainly stems from the Gemini’s over emotional side. The Aquarius won’t hang around, they hate conflict, they find it scary..so they run away and wait until it’s gone away. The thing is that as a couple they are so very close that when an argument does happen it seems like the world has ended. It hasn’t, of-course, they will kiss and make up, Gemini will make sure of it..and will persist in getting the stubborn Aquarius out of his “mood” so they can carry on playing all over again! Life long friends, lover’s and soul mates assured.

The End

So... Alec dumped me. On wednesday June 9th. The night before my last final. After that he sent some really confusing messages, but I know now, that we are not getting back together. It hurts really bad. I'm getting better though. I'm maybe 3% healed, which is actually really good for this short period of time. Four more days until what would have been our 8 month anneversary. :'( It's still really painful to think about. I spent over $300 working on projects and presents for him for our 8,9,10,11, and 12 month anneversaries. I had a beautiful scrapbook that I was making him for our one year anneversary. Now he'll never get it. Anyways... Happy thoughts, happy thoughts... Um we went mini golfing yesterday and then went to the beach, all as a family. It's father's day weekend so dad got to choose what we did. We might get to go to mexico this summer. Maybe. I really hope we do, Oh, I'm going to Joel's house tomorrow for a game party :) I'm volunteering at the library this summer. I also need to start working out and running. I'm not looking forward to that. I've been meaning to get the Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot game and have a party and invite Sarah, Tricia, Megan, and maybe Joel. I couldn't find it in stores so I have to get it online. Sarah just got the remix which I heard wasn't as good but I think we'll play it soon.

Wow

I can't believe it's been six amazing months (well, as of saturday). This is the best relationship ever. I can't wait for summer. It's kinda sad that Alec would be gone for most of it but I think we'll get some time together. I'm going to miss him so badly next year. I hope things all work out. So we won our soccer game last night. That makes us 3-1 I think.

Dance

Oh my gosh. Last night was so much fun! The dance was kinda awkward at first and I didn't really want to dance, but once we got into it it was awesome. Cort was really nice. He seemed like a really fun guy. I probably really creeped him out though. I'm normally a little odd after 8 pm. Maybe if he's up to it, he'll sometime get to meet the not weird me. That is, if I haven't already scared him away. Alec said he didn't think I did since he came to Sonic with us. Sonic might have been even more fun than the dance. :P We all got in Alec's car, Cort got the backseat. We got Sonic Blasts (vanilla oreo for me, chocolate m&m for Cort) and Alec got popcorn chicken and Sprite. Both of the boys finished their food before me, so I was feeding them my oreo blast. It was fun. Cort was making moaning noises while I fed it too him and he said he was having nerdgasms. It was hilarious. Something I have realized is that I can't be completely honest on this, and still post everything. That is because people actually read this, so I have to be careful about what I post :P Anyway, last night was a blast. I hope we get to hang out again.

Virgo and Aquarius

This pairing is in for some real challenges. The affair begins in the mind, since both fancy themselves sharp thinkers. Each brings a refined outlook and set of opinions to the table. They find a shared interest in discussing social issues, though Aquarius comes across as looking to new solutions, and Virgo sticks with the tried and true. Both try to be a force for good in the world, but go about it in very different ways. When dating, the Aquarian shows up, but not in the punctual way that makes Virgo feel respected. The Waterbearer is friendly in a far-reaching way, while Virgo likes to dwell in the particulars of one relationship. Virgo's uncertainty grows without more signs of sincere devotion. The Aquarian doesn't like to be locked in to commitment or routine. But these two things allow Virgo to relax, and start to reveal their deeper selves in relationship. Working that out is a central theme for this couple. While outwardly both appear cool and detached, the differences in temperament are many. Aquarius likes to live on the edge, and Virgo prefers to play it safe. Aquarius is cool physically, and likes to experiment in the bedroom. Virgo is warm and earthy, but often prefers the simple and traditional over anything too taboo. Both are unemotional, which can end up making the relationship a quirky one that plays out 'in their heads.' At home, Virgo could end up being the tidy and responsible one with the knitted brow. Aquarians get lost in their own world of ideas, and often let mundane responsibilities slide. With this pair, Virgo falls into the nagging role, and the criticism is aimed right at carefree Aquarius. The Waterbearer decides that Virgo is a downer that's trying to micro-manage their life. These two signs carry the signature of Order (Virgo) and Chaos (Aquarius), and the relationship can be marked by wild swing to either extreme. When they're in harmony, Virgo's practical visions help airy Aquarius bring their dreams down to earth. Virgo's gift for discernment can help the Waterbearer hone in on a worthwhile goal, and lay out the steps. Aquarius shows Virgo the big picture, and keeps them from following too narrow a track. This is how Aquarius draws Virgo into seeing things from a loftier perspective, if only for a moment. Virgo's gift to Aquarius is helping them 'be in their bodies' and know the subtle joys of the senses. When Aquarius can soar, and Virgo feels that there's an anchor, this relationship, while an awkward match-up, can work. This match has hardly any chance of working out. You are an optimistic person who has a natural, positive approach to viewing the world. Meanwhile, he is a born pessimist who always looks on the darker side. This guy can find a problem with almost any person, thing or situation if given enough time. You will find this completely depressing and frustrating, and you won’t be able to break him of this habit. Plus, to make things worse, you are a bad romantic match and the chemistry between you is pretty blah. So even kissing will be a big bore. Avoid this hopeless match- it’s not worth your time or effort. ( Source: Jellybean's Astro-Soulmate Guide ) Talk about mutual motivation! You both have an uncanny ability to think things into the ground, and it seems like neither of your minds ever hit the stop button. Together, Aquarius girl and Virgo boy can inspire each other to be better people with big goals and ambitions. The attraction part is there, too! ( Source: FUNgirl - Astrology ) The relationship between a Virgo and an Aquarius has chances of success, since they share a good mental rapport. However, they have different attitudes towards life and most of the time; do not share the same perspectives. Virgo is more concerned upon the specific aspects of the situation he is facing rather than the general assessment of the same. An Aquarian is totally opposite and looks for a much wider view of the situation. The former can help the Water Bearer in putting the plans into actions and achieving the results. As far as their love relationship is concerned, there may be a general formality or a lack of any expression of affection. They have better chances of forming an intellectual bond rather than an emotional bond. Their temperaments differ and their personalities differ. Virgo is rational and acts sensibly, while there is no particular logic behind the actions of an Aquarian. The compatibility of their love match is a little questionable. Both of them will be lost in their own world to pay attention to each other's needs and desires. Virgo Man and Aquarius WomanIf a Virgo man and an Aquarius woman are looking for a long-lasting bond, they better start preparing themselves for lots of efforts. He is a pessimist, who always finds some or the other reason for worrying. On the other hand, she is full of positive attitude and always looks at the glass as 'half full', rather than 'half empty'. The chemistry will not be too great and attraction more on the intellectual than the emotional level. However, they can inspire each other to think big and then achieve all their dreams and aspirations. Intellectually these two are well matched. And that’s it. This couple will no doubt get on each other’s nerves. Virgo can be quite nit picking and meticulous whereas and I’m afraid to say it, the Aquarius can be a tad lazy when it comes to household chores and anything that doesn’t involve his/her brilliance. This will infuriate the Virgo who loves to have a tidy and well organised home and believes everyone should do their share. Both of these people can and have been accused of lacking in emotion, and this is mainly due to the fact that they are both more mental than physical people. But they both need a partner who will be more outwardly affectionate; this won’t be found in each other. Their sexual union could be in for some problems also. The Virgo lover can be somewhat prudish and reluctant to experiment sexually, never-mind talking dirty and expressing pent up fantasies. That will not happen! Aquarius’s have their own time scale, time isn’t really an issue for them, they have more important things to worry about than what time the chicken has to come out of the oven or which day the washing must be done on. Virgo lives for these things. Their lives are regimented and organised; every day has a purpose and a job list. The Virgo has never been flighty or spontaneous, in-fact it scares him/her just to think about it. These people expect everything to run smoothly or else. And the Aquarius just couldn’t’ care less, to them life is for living, not filing! Perhaps a bottle of wine and a few good conversations once a month would be the best these two could hope from this union.Read more: Aquarius Compatibility With Virgo 2009

Seriously?

I really hate feeling like this. 1. I AM NOT trying to pit you guys against each other. 2. You make me feel like shit. 3. Everytime we fight it makes me want to hurt myself even more. 4. If we keep fighting like this, I am going to hurt myself. Got it? Ok. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you. Either fix things, stop complaining, or end it. That's all I can possibly say on this matter. I am sick of fighting. I don't want to leave you but right now I feel like I'd be less suicidal if we weren't together. Yes, you do keep your feelings from me, and that is what I don't want. I want you to share. I love you and it hurts me when you don't tell me when something is wrong. I am sick of being blamed for everything. I need a guy who can put up with who I am. If you aren't that guy, tell me. On a happier note, I am working on both of his surprises :D I think he'll really like them. I hope he keeps them forever. <3 I have A LOT of homework tonight. 3 AP Bio Chapters and an AP Euro chapter. I am so screwed.

Today was semi-productive. We figured out what we are going to do with are plant project presentation and then watched the pilot episode of the Big Bang Theory. It was hilarious. I now have to finish a Bio lab for tomorrow morning. :( There are these awesome cute little acrylic paint jars that I saw the other day that I really want. I'm an artsy type of person. There are these cute little plaster figures that I think would be fun to paint. I'm still trying to come up with an Easter present for Alec. We have the Central Dance coming up next weekend as well as Easter. I can't wait. I think Alec and I are going to the dance together. The theme is America. I still haven't found an outfit though...

Yesterday was amazing. I'll admit, I'm pretty upset that my plans for last night were shot, but I enjoyed myself anyway. I have been craving Starbucks ever since Wednesday though. Alec and I took (what I view as) a big step in our relationship last night. I won't tell you about it since people actually read this now. Well, one person. Thank you Tyler for faithfully reading my rather dull blog. I'm working on a present for my boyfriend for when he goes away to college. He isn't supposed to know about it though. I'm going to miss him like crazy. I can't wait to get started. I've also got this other idea. It's a little odd, but I'm wondering if he might like it.

Graphic Design Class is a joke

I love my boyfriend. Even though he is being a little mean right now. We've got 2 new projects due: the art show poster for may 18, the rebranding of a logo, package design, and 5 by 7 color ad. I'm working on a cool tiger shirt. It will say Fierce on the back. Tomorrow I have to present my Spoon River Poem. I hope it goes ok. I have to wear this weird black dress with frills at the bottom and a hideous jacket/blazer thing. Let's see if I can remember it... Over and over they used to ask me while buying the wine or the beer In peoria first and later in chicago denver frisco new york wherever I lived how I happened to live the life and what was the start of it well I told them a silk dress and a promise of marrage from a rich man it was lucius atherton but that was not really it at all suppose a boy steals an apple from the tray at the grocery store and they all begin to call him a theif the editor minister judge and all the people a theif a theif a theif wherever he goes and he can't get work and he can't get bread without stealing it why the boy will steal its the way the people regard the theft of the apple that makes the boy what he is Yay. I only screwed up the last line. Well, I gotta go. The bell rang Oh, and I've got to make a swatsticka cake tonight :D Yay, soccer practice again tonight. Not.

5 month anniversary :D

I'm am sick of this girl. She is in my plant project group for bio and I took pictures, measured, and journaled for our plants before school this morning and then at lunch she took her own pictures because she didn't trust that I could take a picture of a frickin plant! And during class today she asked if she could be in my group for my comic strip project and I said yes. Bad idea. She completely took over. When I told her the idea I had in mind of making it like a super hero/ super villan kind of thing she completely blew me off and told the other girl in our group to draw what she wanted. She ignored our ideas and said no, draw this. Grr. At least I have some good friends: My boyfriend whom I love with all of my heart and soul. It has been an amazing five months and we've only come half way. Five more to go. <3 My new friend Cort who I get to meet for the first time this Friday for bowling, Starbucks, and a great conversation. :D My nerd friend from up in Iowa City, Tyler. :P The math nerd who I can always count on for homework help. Ugh. Today was painful. The lab was short, but I was having serious troubles getting up and down the stairs. My legs are in searing pain... :(

This is my English assignment

Alisha Smith American Literature Period 7 4 January 2010 Dickinson “Because I could not stop for Death” 1. The poet’s main statement is that death is kind and it waits for you to go through life first. She believes death to be sweet and not evil. She is pretty much saying that life only comes once and when death comes knocking you’ll find out if you spent it well. 2. The biggest imagery is from the outside as she passes by everything. Dickinson is often, when writing poems, writing with exclusion. The speaker is excluded from what is going on in life as the dead are excluded from the living. 3. She shifts from past to present tense in the last stanza as she describes death itself as she changes from the living to the dead. This shows that once you’re dead, you are dead. You can’t get anything back. 4. Death is personified as a person or a sort of suitor which enhances the meaning of the poem by giving death real traits and characteristics that make it easier to explain and understand. There is a rhyme scheme of A B C B. The poem is also written in Iambic Pentameter. 5. Dickinson likes death and believes it to be a good thing. 6. This is Dickinson, not Whitman. 7. The theme of this poem is death and seeing how life passes. “I heard a fly buzz when I died” 1. The poet’s main statement is that death is full of grief but not important in the grand scheme of things. 2. She talks about how the mourners have dried out their tears which shows the grief of death. She describes the silence like the calm between bouts of a storm before death and just then she notices a small insignificant fly which shows the little importance of life. 3. Dickenson talks about the silence and the grief in the room and then she shifts to the fly’s buzz which, again, signifies the insignificance of life. 4. She said “The stillness round my form Was like the stillness in the air Between the heaves of storm.” This simile depicts the silence in the room magnificently and enhances the effect of the buzz of the fly. 5. The speaker saw death as both beauteous and insignificant as she focused on the fly before she died. 6. This is Dickinson, not Whitman. 7. The theme of this poem is death and its insignificance in the world. “There is a certain slant of light” 1. The poet’s main statement is that a single beam of light can bring on a feeling of intense spiritual melancholy. Dickinson dramatizes how the light can make you feel. She is trying to say that even the smallest thing can bring us into the biggest reality. 2. Dickinson uses images like the heavenly hurt the light gives us and they relate to the fact that little things can make us feel big emotions by showing just that. 3. There is no real shift in the poem. Throughout the whole thing there is a sort of melancholy heavy feel. 4. There is a lot of personification in that the light oppresses and shadows hold their breath. There is an ABCB rhyme scheme. 5. Dickinson feels very strongly about little things bringing about big emotions. 6. This is Dickinson, not Whitman. 7. The theme of the poem is emotion and the intenseness of it that little things can bring. “My life closed twice before its close” 1. The poet’s main statement is that heaven is a beautiful place that people go to when they die, but those of us close to those people end up living in hell. Dickinson believed this to be true. 2. Dickinson uses the imagery of two horrible events and possibly a third to come to show the anguish of the speaker which shows how even though the two horrible events that happened (I am assuming they are deaths because of the heaven/hell reference) resulted in heaven for them, the speaker is living in hell. 3. The only real shift in this poem is from the speaker telling about the two horrible things that happened in her life to her speaking about how, in immortality, a third event may occur. This enhances the meaning of the poem by increasing the anguish and making the poem even more remorse. 4. Dickinson uses vision metaphors like see and unveil for revelation. She has a rhyme scheme of ABCB. 5. The speaker of the poem is in a lot of anguish and believes that even when a person goes to heaven, everyone else is left in hell. 6. This is Dickinson, not Whitman. 7. The theme of this poem is the paradox of heaven and hell. “The Soul selects her own Society” 1. The poet’s main statement is that humans are selective and choose friends once and stay with them. 2. She portrays picking that friend as selective and then uses imagery showing a person shutting a door on everyone else. 3. She shifts from selecting a friend, to keeping everyone else out. 4. She uses personification when she says that the soul shuts the door and she uses a sort of alliteration in the first two lines of the poem with the letter S. The rhyme scheme isn’t really there but if you look closely at the last few letters of the scheme ABAB you see quite the similarity. 5. The speaker feels that this is the way life is, period. Someone chooses something and doesn’t like anything else. A person makes up their mind and is unwavering. 6. This is Dickinson, not Whitman. 7. The theme of this poem is seclusion and its relation to everything. “The Brain- is wider than the Sky” 1. The poet’s main statement is that God created the brain to be smart and better than anything else in the world except him. She is trying to say that the brain is the most important thing there is in the world. 2. The images in this poem are a lot more cheerful than many of her other poems such as the brain including the sky and the brain absorbing the see like a sponge. 3. The shift in this poem is from the brain being better than anything to equal to God. It shows how God created the brain to be as close to him as possible. 4. The metaphor that the brain is wider than the sky and that the brain is deeper than the see show a sort of personification of the brain because it is not really bigger than the sky or sea. There is an ABCB rhyme scheme. 5. The speaker feels God is very important but so is knowledge and that is why God created the brain to be more equal to him than anything else. 6. This is Dickinson, not Whitman. 7. The theme of this poem is knowledge and the importance it serves in life. “There is a solitude of space” 1. The poet’s main statement is that inner loneliness can put you in your own world. I believe that Dickinson enjoys the loneliness and her own world. She is saying that humans can make up their own world that confuses and scares them or makes them feel happy. 2. Finite infinity is a sort of oxymoron that says that infinity has an end and the polar privacy is you by yourself pushing the real world away. A solitude of space sea and death say that they are there for people that need them to survive but others live in their own solitude. 3. There is no shift in the poem. 4. There is a personification of privacy because it cannot be polar or non-polar and there is an oxymoron with the saying finite infinity. 5. The speaker believes that there are some that need the death sea or space but it is the intelligent ones that only need their own infinite privacy in their own world. 6. This is Dickinson, not Whitman. 7. The theme of this poem is inner loneliness and its reason for being. “Water, is taught by thirst” 1. The poet’s main statement is that you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. 2. There are many images in the poem such as that when you are thirsty, you learn that water can quench it. When you are stuck on/ in the ocean, all you want is land. We wouldn’t need peace if we didn’t have a thirst for battle. When someone dies you realize how much you truly love them. And just as birds struggle in the snow, she is struggling through life. 3. There are no shifts in this poem, just a deep meaning and relation to her life. 4. There is no figurative language or sound devices, just a deep understanding. 5. The speaker is having trouble getting through life and is relating it to many other difficult times. 6. This is Dickinson, not Whitman. 7. The theme of this poem is something missing and why it is so important. Whitman “When I Heard the Learn’d Astronomer” 1. The poet’s main statement is that sometimes knowing and defining things ruins their beauty. Humans like mystery and sometimes that’s the better way to live your life. 2. The images that come to mind with this poem are facts and figures and charts and diagrams of information and a man running out of the room and looking up at the beautiful night sky filled with stars and while not understanding why or how, just believing in anything. 3. The shift is from learning about everything to running out the door which enhances that people would rather not know. 4. There is a bit of alliteration in the last lines with the mystical moist night-air and silence at the stars. 5. The speaker believes it is far better to love the silence of not knowing then know everything and ruin it all. 6. The importance of the title is that it shows that the astronomer is smart and knows what he is talking about and he portrays the knowledge that this man does not want to know. 7. The theme of this poem is knowledge and how you sometimes just don’t want to know. “By the Bivouac’s Fitful Flame” 1. The poet’s main statement is that as one is sneaking or escaping, he may reflect on life, death, the past, loved ones, and people far away. 2. The images that this poem portrays are the darkness and the outline of the tents, fields and woods. 3. The poem shifts from the beauty of the darkness around this man to him sneaking around and being watched. This shift enhances the idea of reminiscing upon life. 4. The shrubs and trees are personified when it says “as I lift my eyes they seem to be stealthily watching me” and the “solemn and slow procession” in a sneak attack on “the tents of the sleeping army.” While the subject is doing this sneaky procession, he reflects on “tender and wondrous thoughts.” 5. Whitman enjoys reflecting upon life and other beauteous things. 6. The importance of the title is that it tells you who and what the subject is (a bivouac- a man sneaking around trying not to get caught by the night guard) and it tells us about his restless wandering and traveling and hiding (his fitful flame). 7. The theme of this poem is reflection and how at the oddest times you reflect upon your life. “I Hear America Singing” 1. The poet’s main statement is that while everyone’s job is different, they all sing equally melodious tunes; everyone is equal. 2. The images of this poem are many and they show every one of these hard working middle class individuals at their job, enjoying themselves and working hard. The poet does not use rich, corporate bosses as a depiction, but common people. 3. The only shift in this poem is from talking about hard working men to women to friendly fellows celebrating at the end of the day. 4. There is a sort of rhythm heard when the poem is given voice and in the length of the lines and a sort of alliteration with the mason makes and the boatman… belongs… boat, not to mention the ing’s. 5. The speaker loves America and the equality within it. 6. The importance of the title is to show the happy pride in the performance of everyone’s labor. 7. The theme of this poem is equality and the happiness found within it. “A Noiseless Patient Spider” 1. The poet’s main statement is that the soul reaches out for a connection, for a meaning, just as a spider spins its thread. 2. The images are a spider throwing out its web trying to string a web and of a person’s mind reaching out, desperately trying to make a connection. 3. The shift is more of a link between the spider and the soul and between stanzas. 4. There is a big metaphor saying that a spider is like the subject’s soul. It’s quite odd to compare one’s soul with a spider because a spider is a rather foul creature which might be why the subject is having so much trouble seeking and anchor. 5. The speaker feels sort of lost in an endless sea and can’t seem to find their way out. 6. The title of this poem shows that the spider/soul, even with all the difficulty and frustration of not finding an anchor, will continue on patiently until something finally takes hold. 7. The theme of this poem is connection of the soul and the patience you need sometimes for it to happen.

Hey everyone, what's up? I've been working on my English homework today. It's crazy. I'm also working on Alec's notes: one a day for the entire break. I haven't gotten all my homework done yet so I'm kinda screwed... I'm working my butt off though. I got to get back to my homework, sorry. Maybe I'll talk later.

Forever In The Past

Wow, has it really been this long? I expected to post this summer but apparently I was crazy busy. Since no one actually reads this, I guess it's just kinda a diary to myself, huh? Well, ok. At 11:29 I weighed 158 That is going to change. I plan on working out and I'm going to try to cut down to 145. It shouldn't be that hard. I plan to lift every hour on the hour today :P I'm going crazy. Oh, and I'm writing notes every day during break to my AMAZING boyfriend Alec :) We had a little problem involving Tyler Chenall from Iowa City West but I think we've got that all cleared up and I don't believe it will happen again as long as I don't bring him up. His mom scares me a little. She wants to know everything about me. I'd like to keep my life private, thank you so very much. So, I have lots of homework to do during break... Here's a breakdown of it: Bio: Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Online Tests PreCalc: Standardized Test Prep Practice Test Online Homework Homework in Book AMC 10 Stat: Review Chapter 7 Lunch: Hang with Alec sometime during break Euro: Chapter 22 Chapter 24 "Idea Diagrams" DBQ? GC: Sketches AmLit: Poem Page Home: Clean Room Work Out Ugh. It's a lot, isn't it? I was at the wrestling tournament on Saturday and yesterday my mom and I went out shopping so I haven't had a chance to even start on it yet. Today I plan on accomplishing: Bio: Chapter 25 Chapter 25 Online Test PreCalc: Online Homework AmLit: Poem Page Home: Work Out

Oh my gosh, today was so much fun! I loved it. I got to go hang out with Justin and Ben to go for a walk to Gateway and then we went back and got to hang with a bunch of my other friends (including Lucas). I would love to hang with these guys more often. I'm sad that I just started hanging with them at the end of the year. I wish I could hang with them. Maybe this summer! We could have like a cookout or something at Jester Park or somewhere else like that. It would be awesome.

We might actually get to go to Cici's after the varsity game tonight. There's this dude though that really needs to back off. He keeps touching me and begging me to go out with him and I don't want to lead him on but I dont want to hurt him. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to end up doing. Finals week is coming up really fast. It's kinda scary, to tell you the truth. We went to Mr. Hepburn's chemistry demo thing today. It was really fun. I think it was his birthday as well but I forgot to tell him happy birthday. It's Tricia's birthday tomorrow. :D I gave her a cow thats tag said "Hi, I'm a penguin and I love hugs and smiles." She loved it. She's obsessed with penguins so I thought it would be kinda different. I'm hoping to go shopping this weekend. My m0m claims she won't let me get anymore bikini's but I don't believe her. I kinda want to go shopping for a dress. Idk why, I just love dress shopping. Multimedia is really boring. We're supposed to be making these podcast things about some random junk and I'm not sure what I'll do mine on. I'll probably just read my flog entries. That should work. If you haven't read it, you should check it out. Unfortunately, though, I'm not all caught up yet. I really need to work on it, but I kinda want to make it a book and just write it over the summer. Who knows... So my ex-boyfriend and I are friends again. I wonder how l0ng that is going to last. We always end up fighting over something and then hating each other for, like, ever. I'm hoping we can hang out sometime this summer. It would be nice to be friends with him again. The only bad thing about hanging with him is the fact that he's so small. He is REALLY skinny and it's kinda tough not feeling inferior or like crap when he is around because I'm so much bigger than him. I'm not saying I'm fat or anything, but I just don't like being the biggest of my friends. Things are going great with Vikki and Zach. I love hearing about all the stuff they do together. :P Not. I saw her SUV in their driveway while riding the bus home yesterday. I wonder what she was doing there so close to gametime... ;) I'm pretty bored so I'll end this post here.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice???

Last soccer game tonight... I doubt I'll even get to play though. I suck. That, and coach hates me. So life is going absolutely horribly. I'm an idiot and I need to get over all this stupid stuff. NO GUYS. At all. Seriously. Or at least not until I'm 16. I'm tired of all this crap that comes with them. And lately, some people have pointed out how much I suck at life. Some have told me to go die but I don't think I'll do anything that drastic. How's life? Mine's not that great but that doesn't matter. Someone wise told me that I should never let myself cry and that I should always smile. That is what I'm planning on doing. All smiles, no tears. As soon as other people start believing it, maybe I will too. At least, that's what I'm hoping.

I wanna be remembered as the girl who always smiled; the one who could always brighten your day, even if she couldnt brighten her own.

-- what is love ? -- Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught withinyour chest?? -it isn`t love, it`s like. You can`t keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right?? -it isn`t love, it`s lust. Are you proud, and eager to show them off? - it isn`t love, it`s pride. Do you want them because you know they`re there?? -it isn`t love, it`s loneliness. Are you there because it`s what everyone wants?? -it isn`t love, it`s loyalty. Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand?? -it isn`t love, it`s low confidence. Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don`t want to hurtthem?? -it isn`t love, it`s pity. Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?? -it isn`t love, it`s infatuation. Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?? -it isn`t love, it`s friendship. Do you tell them every day that they are the only one you think of?? -it isn`t love, it`s a lie. Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?? -it isn`t love, it`s charity. Does your heart ache and break when they`re sad?? -then it`s l o v e. Do you cry for their pain, even when they`re strong?? -then it`s l o v e. Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?? -then it`s l o v e. Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain andrelation pulls you close and holds you there?? -then it`s l o v e. Do you accept their faults because they`re a part of who they are?? -then it`s l o v e. Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret?? -then it`s l o v e. Would you give them your heart, your life, your death??

Today was GPML!!! I loved it so much. I sucked but I wasn't really actually trying so it doesn't matter too much. What does matter is that I got to sit by Kevin on the bus ride home today. :D He makes me really happy and I can't quite understand why. He's so sweet. Yeah, he's a dork but that's one of the things I love the most about him: he doesn't let that bother him. He taught us (Me Sarah and Alick) how to play Hearts. I still don't really understand it yet but maybe that will be a reason to get to hang out with him more. I wish there was some way to show him how much I like him without showing it. Like some way to show him how much I like him that will make him like me back in the same way. I don't really want him to know how much I like him if I'm going to end up hurt. I kind of gave up on Lucas. We're just friends now and I like it better this way. Now, unfortunately, I'm focused on one guy and starting to be crazy about him. Well, maybe not starting... The bus was freezing cold as was the rest of the compatition. I kind of wished that Kevin would've put his arm around me or something. Like if he could've kept me warm, that would've been amazing. I noticed his hands today. I know that sounds kind of weird and there's no way to explain it to make it not sound weird but I really liked them. They looked really big and strong and I kind of drifted off into La La Land a couple of times dreaming about what it would feel like to have those hands holding me. Holding my hand or holding my body. Anyway, I know that was weird, it just had to be said. What do guys do when they want to hold your hand but are too nervous to? I thought it was that they put their hand either next to them or on their leg so you could grab it. I have no clue but I wasn't sure if Kevin wanted to hold my hand today or not. I kind of really wanted to hold his but I wasn't sure if I should've. I figured it would've been pretty embarrassing if he pulled his hand away and told me that he wasn't interested right there in the middle of the bus. I'd rather he just told me that in private. I figured that maybe I should probably get over him pretty soon because in a few days he will probably decide that he doesn't want to be around me anymore and that he isn't interested in me at all (because that's what normally happens). I just can't. You know when you sort of know someone but maybe not well enough to know everything about them and so you dream about them and make them the most amazing person ever? Well that's pretty much what I've done to Kevin. Everytime I dream about him, he is this absolutely amazing and romantic guy so if he ever does decide he wants to be with me, he's got a lot to live up to. :P Guys are really difficult. Honestly, if anyone ever asked me out I would almost always give them a chance unless I have something against them. I know what it feels like to be rejected and I would never want anyone else to feel that way so I believe in giving people chances. Am I the only person who believes that? I was quite loopy today. I seem to get that way a lot. It's actually quite enjoyable. So I am crazy about a guy who I probably have no chance with and who isn't into me. Yay. I hope he's still willing to be friends with me though even while I try to get over him. For now though, I don't want to get over him. I want to live and sleep and dream on this happy little high he has given me. I want to dream about this amazing guy every night and never let the idea of he and I together go. I won't let it show in public, the way I feel about him, but I will dream about him for as long as I can get away with it. I kind of need it right now. The idea of a guy. It's nice to have and perfect to dream about. I just wish someday someone would feel the same way towards me. That someone might go to sleep some night and dream about being with me forever. Maybe someday, right?

Ignore some of the other stuff from earlier. We were just kinda messing around in class because we have nothing better to do. At least I'm getting along better with Tony now though. He used to call me a bitch everyday and get really pissed at me but we're good friends now. I only recently realized how absolutely horrible we were for each other. But he's kinda a good friend now. Or almost one.

So I was in the most amazing mood today. I can't take credit for it though. It is pretty much Kevin's fault. Well, I don't know if I should say fault... Then again, I am never that exstactically happy. He is such a sweetie. I texted him this morning and asked him to sit by me at lunch. I wasn't kidding but I didn't think he'd actually want to though. He didn't text me back so I figured that he either hadn't checked his messages or he didn't want to. At lunch I was hanging with my friends and then I turned around and realized that he was sitting behind me. I wanted to go sit by him but I was way too nervous to so I just stayed where I was. I wish I had gone and sat by him though. Why can't guys just be clear about how they feel? I mean, why can't they just walk up to you and tell you either "Yes, I like you and I want to be with you" or "No, I don't like you and you have absolutely no chance with me"? Why must they always be so complicated. I don't believe in making all this relationship junk complicated. If I like a guy, I tell him. I would much appriciate if he did the same. Like when I tell him I like him, I wish that he would be like that's nice but you don't have a chance with me because I don't like you. It would make things so much simpler. Anyway. So we have GPML practice tomorrow at 12:45. It's going to be so much fun. I can't wait to hang out with everybody. ;) So soccer practice yesterday was so hard. Coach was really pissed off so it was killer. Although it was pretty fun discussing suicide. We found out that my house is hang proof. It's stupid. Vikki wants to punch our coach. We are all pretty pissed at him. He says we aren't working hard enough in practice. So yeah, I was really hyper happy today. I like guys. :P They're so pretty. Oh and apparently I'm stalking my ex-boyfriend and am following him to church. (Not really though people so don't actually believe me. We're just messing around in 8th hour and I'm writing down the stuff we talk about) So guys, be more clear about your feelings. Seriously. Please. Oh, and Kevin, :) Elmo loves his goldfish; his crayons too. That's Elmo's world!

No school today!!! Well, no school at Central. I'm still stuck going to school at North Polk though. It kinda sucks. Especially because my first class there starts at 1:48 and Cole wants to leave at 12. What the heck am I supposed to do for 2 hours? I'll probably just sit here and blog. So I just recently realized that I have comments on here. Yay. There's one that I'm especially thrilled about. It's good to finally understand that the plural of smoosh is smeesh. Kevin, I bet you are really good at writing. And even if you aren't, you're good at everything else so it won't matter too much. I can't wait for state GPML this Saturday! It's going to be so much fun. :D

I've been pretty lonely lately. Zoe and Greta are in the middle of some stupid fight and friends I've just recently gained have been drifting away. It's not a great time in my life right now. I'm not getting any skinnier either. I'm working really hard at it and I thought soccer would help but it doesn't work as well as XC. I can't wait until the summer. I'm going to set my goal right now. I hope to be able to run for 1 hour every day this summer. And work out (lift and exercise). Multimedia is really boring right now. We are still working on our movie but don't have anything to do in class so I'm just randomly blogging.

Ugh I am so tired today. Game tonight!!! I was carrying around a bag of Raisin Bran all day today. :) It was fun and tasted really good. I love Raisin Bran. Apparently I am the only one who does though. Everyone is like ew what the heck is that. So I think I've for sure failed the World Civ test but I didn't do too bad in Physics. I have all A's except for in English which really ticks me off. He says he doesn't believe in giving A's. I absolutely hate him. I'm going to be trying really hard to impress him by the end of the year so I can get my grade up. I'm reading The Cantebury Tales and The Road currently. They are pretty good. I actually really like The Cantebury Tales. Chaucer is a really good author.

In my flog I just started school so I'm curious about what is going to happen. Remember the Physics Day? Do you remember the chalk talks? Well, I kinda used something from one of them and put it in my flog. If you haven't read it, you totally should. I really enjoy writing it and I hope you guys enjoy reading it. I am quite curious though... What is the plural of a smoosh? :P So what have I been up to lately...? Well, I have a free period this hour (6th) so I hang out in the library working on my blogs. I got most of my homework done for my Physics and World Civ test tomorrow and I'll finish the rest of it up tonight. Tomorrow we have a soccer game here at home (North Polk) if anyone wants to come. The varsity game starts at 6 and the JV game will just be right after it. I play JV unfortunately... I kind of suck. I'm a defender. I normally play left defense but I'll honestly play wherever the coach puts me. I'm working really hard to get better and to get in shape for summer but I am a REALLY bad runner. If you've ever been to one of my XC meets, you understand what I mean. I am really slow. And it's not like I don't try. Really, I do. I try really really hard. Honestly, I probably try the most out of anybody on our XC or JV soccer team. Come if you can please! :)

Today is really tiring. I've been too lazy to get out of my pajamas all day and I just now switched to sweatpants because my legs were getting cold. I have so much homework left to do but I've been on the computer all day. Why is it that I am the only one with no life? I seem to be one of the few people on Facebook in the middle of the day. So I've got the entire section of Physics left to do, not to mention the Chapter Review. Unfortunately, I'll work my butt off and get it done. I really don't want to. I want to just curl up and watch One Tree Hill all day. That would be much more fun. That's one reason I'm looking forward to summer. Another is that it will get me away from all this high school drama. I'll have time to clear my head and work on things that are more important. I better go do my homework :(

Last night I had the weirdest dream. It was even weirder than Zoe's. So we were at Central. We meaning Lucas, Kevin, Jake, Cole, Dan, Kyle, Bama, Min, me and a couple other people. I don't know why. This is a dream. Some things are just not important enough to know. We were all in one room when all of a sudden a voice comes over the intercom. It told us that we had five minutes after he was done telling us what to do to figure this out: After 5 minutes there would be a toxic gas that would fill the entire building of Central. We had to decide who would live. They would supply us with one scuba tank. We had only that scuba tank to live by. The gas would continue to flow through the building for one hour. Who should survive this? Go. Being the Nazi that I am, I immedietly took over and started my watch. We had five minutes to discuss our untimely deaths. Pleasent isn't it? I was immedietly ruled out. We tried to decide who would be the most important and beneficial to society. We narrowed it down to Cole, Kevin, Jake, and Lucas. I explained that tanks last about an hour for one person and that we couldn't have many on it if we wanted even one person to survive. They were all like "This is just some joke. It's like a brain problem. It doesn't matter if we solve it well." At that moment we heard a hiss and the gas started flowing. I looked down at my watch and sure enough, it had been five minutes. The people who wouldn't get the tank ran to the white board and scribbled down their last message to the world as fast as they could. All of us had tears streaming down our face. We knew many of us wouldn't get out of there alive. I ran to Kevin and threw my arms around him, pulling him close to me. I pressed my lips to his and kissed him so deeply. I knew I wouldn't ever get another chance and he needed to know the way I felt about him. Surprisingly, he kissed me back. I could feel the love and I couldn't stop the tears from cascading down my cheeks. I loved this man and I couldn't let him go. He pulled away and turned to my brother. He told him to live. He gave him the tank and said he could have his air. I grabbed his shirt and cried to him not to. He told me, "It's ok, love. We're going to be together forever." He told my brother, " I love her. Trust me, I'll take care of her on the other side." Jake gave his air to Lucas as well. I have no idea why, that's just how it ended up. I begged Kevin to let me die in his arms. He agreed and I tucked his head into my chest so he was breathing through the inside of my shirt. I buried my face in his hair and inhaled deeply. He smelled amazing. This was definately the way to die. Wrapped in the arms of the man you love. After 15 minutes (don't ask how I knew how long it had been, again, it's a dream) the gas suddenly shut off. I pulled my face out of Kevin's hair and looked around. Kevin was barely breathing so I began to bring him outside when my brother stopped me. Apparently Jake was dying and it was my last chance to say goodbye. I was torn. I begged my brother to take Kevin outside and save him. I told Kevin how badly I needed him and how much I loved him and that I would be out in a moment. I ran over to Jake and it turned out that I could suck the gas out of his lungs. Lucas helped carry him out while I attempted to save anyone else I could. Min was ok, Bama saved her, but in doing so, he died. She never forgave me for it. She was so mad at me. Later on she beat me for it. NOTE: *The personalities of the people in my dreams are not how I actually view them in real life. I can't really control what happens in my dreams.* I never forgave myself for that day. If they hadn't listened to my idea, a lot more people would have been saved. Kevin kept telling me it wasn't my fault and calming me down and stuff but it was like everyone was staring at me in school. I believed that everyone was blaming me for what happened. Kevin and I ended up together forever... The End

Tired of learning about me yet? I hope not. In RadAcc today, Sarah Tricia and I were like completely crazy. They made this cute little get well soon card with a red panda on it. It's adorable. Tricia taught me how to make paper cranes. I'm almost an honorary Asian! :) So yeah. I kinda don't really want people reading this because sometimes it reveals things about me that I don't want people to know and they probably shouldn't know, yet at the same time I'm rather flattered by the people that care enough to come back and check this everyday. What a kunundrum... So anyway... Tomorrow was supposed to be the day we went to South Dakota for a math trip but it was cancelled this year because all the teachers are going somewhere. It was also supposed to be the Chill Out tournament that my dad, Cole, and I were going to ref but we decided not to because Cole doesn't want to and I'm too sick. Zoe's birthday is next week Tuesday. I keep forgetting when it is. I brought her a teddy bear to school today :P She has a party tomorrow but I don't know if my parents will let me go. I hope they do. She's like one of my best friends. I love how she totally trumps the hypocritic barrier between smart girls and cheerleaders. She is awesome. My flog is going well. I'm enjoying it and coming up with new ideas as I go along. I think it will turn out pretty cool once I get the whole story going. In Multimedia II class, we're making a movie. It really sucks and is really cheesy but it's fun. I'm partners with Vikki and Olivia. It seems like Vikki and I have spent alot of time together recently what with Cross Country, Soccer, and Multimedia. And I barely ever go to North Polk! So I kinda think I'm going to give up on guys for a while. They are nothing but drama and problems and I need to focus on school. A total of three people noticed the fact that I'm taking full advantage of Lent being over. Zoe, Antonio, and Keasey. I was really mad at Keasey today. He kicked me really hard right before practice so I pretty much tried to kill him during soccer. After a while though we were being friends again. I'm still pretty mad at him though. He kept throwing that stupid ball at my head. Is it so wrong that I don't like doing headers??? It doesn't take strength to hold a grudge; it takes strength to let go of one. I had medicine twice today that made me really sleepy and if you know me well or have been with me past 8 pm you know that I get really loopy when I'm tired. I hissed at Claussen and told him I had fangs in my car. He was like WTF and then I told him I didn't have a car. I was really loopy and skippy and tired. Life is too short to waste on simple, too long to dwell on the past. Life is like a play, it's not the length but the excelence of the acting that matters.

I must apologize to anyone that my blogs may offend. I have mood swings. I'm a girl, that's what I do. I hope you don't mind that. If you don't want to know what I think of you or my life then don't read this, ok? I'm sorry if you're offended and I'm sorry if I hurt you but this is the way I am. I must also say that this is not always the way I am. This is just the way I am on a computer when I have nothing better to do except tell you about my life. My opinion and mood will vary quite quickly so just because I say I'm mad about one thing or I start ranting about something does not mean that I am completely focused on it. Normally I get over it once I put it down in writing and post it and realize that I probably shouldn't have. So... yeah. Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

Our soccer game sucked. We lost 1-4 and they were huge. There were barely any of them but it was really hard. They played really rough. I sucked it up today. This may have been the worst game I have ever played in my entire life. Now Keasey says he's gonna throw a ball at my head every practice until I stop ducking. I'm kinda really mad at myself so I'm going to run my guts out and practice really hard tomorrow. I'll probably be trying to kill myself with strenuous exercise for the next week because of this. It's what I always do when I'm not happy with myself or something that happened. I take it out on my body. That's why I do what I do. Whether it's justifyable or not is my decision, not everone elses'. I want everyone to stay the hell out of my life. I hate this fricking world and everyone in it. Just because I say one thing about you does not mean that that is always how I feel.

If I say that I like you and that I wish that you would ask me out, it does not mean that I'm madly in love with you and that I need you. It merely means that if you ask me then I would say yes. You're not that frickin important to me. No one is. I don't care about any of you. And to save you the trouble of having to deal with me, I should just go die.

I hurt myself so I can feel alive.

We have a soccer game tonight. I'm really nervous. I don't want to go and no one else does either. I am really sick today (allergies) so it will probably suck pretty bad. We are playing WC Valley. They are aparently pretty bad so I hope we do well. I hope I can get a ride home after the JV game. I really don't want to be there for the varsity game. I'm way too tired and I don't feel well. I think Kevin might be avoiding me. I don't really know yet but I hope he's not. He's such a sweetie. I've got my flog up and running now. It's so much fun to write it. The url is www.lostinmindandbody.blogspot.com

This is my first post so I don't really have much to say. I don't even know if I'm going to make this private or public. So... yeah. I'm Alisha and this is my life. Right now is kinda fun since it's nearing the end of the year. I'm going to miss school though. And guys. Of course. Maybe I should explain that. Though, if you're me, I shouldn't need to. I'm absolutely boy crazy. I don't think I've gone a month without liking a guy. But the thing is, they normally come in groups. Like right now there are so many amazing guys that just suddenly appeared! I'm kinda focussed on three though. I can't really give you their names though because that might give them away... I've got it!!! I'll give them fake names! We'll call them Jake, Kevin, and Lucas. Ok? Ok. So here's how the listings go: 1) Lucas 2) Kevin 3) Jake Except here's the problem: 1) Lucas- I asked him out (bad move)=> He's not interested in a relationship. He's way too confused about life. But's he's pretty hot, really nice, can dance (sorta) and so innocent. stats= had one girlfriend and things weren't so great, junior 2) Kevin- Kinda a dork but he's so sweet. And super cute. He's innocent (I think) and brilliant. I've kinda decided to stop asking guys out so I'm not gonna ask him out. I'm hoping he asks me instead. A girl can hope. stats= never had a girlfriend, junior 3) Jake- This one's a tough one- I asked him out (another bad move) like a year ago=> He can't date until he's 16/18 but he's really nice and smart and cute and innocent... Yeah. stats= never had a girlfriend as far as I know, sophomore So yeah, as you can see, I'm boy crazy. But that doesn't really matter, does it? Is that really a problem? I hope not. So State GPML is coming up next weekend. I'm so excited!!! I can't wait but I'm kinda scared that I'll do really badly. It's my last math compatition for this year so I hope I do well. The Central Dance was last weekend. It was so much fun! I must say, a lot of guys looked really hot there... But I had a ball! I loved my dress, it was so pretty. Well, I liked it. Shelby came too and we were like "jazz hands" randomly. It was so much fun. They played "I'm on a Boat" too! I can't believe they did though because it has so much cussing in it. Shelby and I were dancing to it. It was so much fun!!! I was kinda abandoned by my friends alot. :'( I have friends in a lot of different social circles so I wanted to at least go say hi to them. I didn't even get around to everyone. I ended up standing there by myself for like 10 minutes wondering what the heck I should do until Zach and Logan came up and told me to join their group. Thanks so much to you two. I luv you both. It was so cute when Kerrick and Joel ended up wearing the same shirt. :P I must say, I loved the shirt though. Logan's costume was awesome. I've never seen Star Trek so I probably don't have the ability to say that but oh well. Dan dressed up like Burger King. :) Apparently Antonio broke his crown though :( All my friends kept trying to tell me that we liked each other but WE DON'T. It's like you can't just be friends with a guy. No, if you hang out with one, you must like him. Same thing happened when Zach hugged me for a minute too long. It was pretty awkward but then all my friends were like, "You like him." So I have this like bestest best buddy. Except I've never actually talked to him in real life, but we always have these conversations on facebook that are kinda profound and really fun. He helps me out with all my problems and I love him for that. And I wish we could go to Mexico. ;) My life is pretty complicated. I used to be really overly depressed all the time and cut myself and stuff but now I have great friends and my future is most definately looking up. I can't wait for a brand new day, I just need to remember that I have friends that love me and a great life. Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change. Kiss slowly, play hard, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything and have no regrets. Life's too short to be anything…but happy